(The "sporadic posting" continues, and will continue for some while--my hours have ramped up at work, and that's just how it is. I'm used to it now, I'm even more used to the nice extra money, but it does bite into Mr. Free Time a bit. Anyhow, away from my boring life...)
On the radio a few weeks back, they had an ad for a jewelry store that said that they had wedding rings that "scream how you feel about her." It's an ill-chosen metaphor, but when thought about literally, it paints an even more disturbing picture...
CUSTOMER walks into jewelry store. There is an unearthly din all around, as though he has walked into a pet store that sells only trained parrots. A SALESMAN walks up to him.
SALESMAN: Good day, sir. Are you interested in a wedding ring?
CUSTOMER: Well, yes, I am. (Looks around.) What's with all the--
SALESMAN: Perhaps this one might interest you? (Holds up a small velvet box, and opens it.)
RING #1: I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I--
CUSTOMER (hurriedly pushing box closed): No. No, I don't think that's the sort of thing I'm looking for at all. In fact, I--
SALESMAN: Say no more, sir. Perhaps this one is more to your taste. (Opens a second box.)
RING #2: I JUST DON'T WANT TO DIE OLD AND ALONE! I JUST DON'T WANT TO DIE OLD AND ALONE! I--
CUSTOMER (closes that box as well, by now looking utterly horrified): No! I just want--
SALESMAN (with a knowing nod): I understand perfectly, sir. (Holds up another box.)
RING #3: I KNOCKED YOU UP! I KNOCKED YOU UP! I KNOCKED YOU UP! I KNOCKED YOU UP!
(Ring continues to repeat as panicked customer flees shop.)