Tuesday, February 21, 2012

The Scariest Thing You'll Ever Read

The other day, my wife and I were discussing the news that against all common sense and basic human decency, the Transformers franchise has not yet breathed its last. "Transformers 4," I mused. "Just think of the waste. All that money going to such an utter void of talent."

"Yeah," my wife said. "They could have used that money to finally make the 'Elfquest' movie, for a start."

I chuckled, knowing that my wife is an ardent Elfquest fan who awaits the Elfquest movie in much the same way that a Cubs fan awaits that World Series ring. But then I thought to myself, "But what if they got Michael Bay to do the Elfquest movie?"

The image came to me in a vivid flash. All of the strong, beautiful female characters replaced with simpering eye-candy. The open acceptance of alternative lifestyles done over as macho gay panic "male bonding". Shaky-cam upon shaky-cam, explosions in a fantasy world that doesn't even have gunpowder yet, either Cutter or Skywise played by Shia LaBeouf...

My wife noticed my shudder and faint, inarticulate cry of revulsion. "Whatever it is," she said, "I don't want to know." I knew she was having a rough day, so I decided not to tell her. But I had to share it with someone eventually. (When you read this, um...sorry, honey. But at least I waited until you had a little chance to brace yourself for it!)

5 comments:

DeeB said...

I'm really, really glad you didn't tell me at the time.

--The Wife

Chris said...

I had an even more horrifying idea than Shia LeBeouf as Cutter or Skywise.

Wanting to distance himself from the earnest young hero roles, but considering the wry sidekick a step down, he decides to "stretch his range" in a "bold casting decision" (direct quote from Bay) by playing...

wait for it...

Bearclaw.

And that bit of imagery is for putting the wretched idea in my head in the first place. Good day, sir.

DeeB said...

...

@Chris, how can you sleep at night?

Chris said...

Oh, that one haunted my nightmares, trust me.

Al said...

And you're right, friend. The idea *is* a frightening one. I can imagine just how glad your wife is that you didn't leave her (at the time) with that image.

Teacher knows *I* wouldn't want to have to imagine Elfquest made like that. It's a horrifying thought.