For those of you who don't watch 'The Amazing Race', one of the teams is actually a pair of newlyweds named Max and Katie. The Race is serving as their honeymoon as well as a chance at a million bucks, which would be kind of sweet except for the fact that they're this season's token "I'm Not Here To Make Friends" team. (For those of you who don't watch 'The Amazing Race', this is a phrase that at least one team breaks out in their introductory video every season. It is code for, "The guy on this team is a hyper-competitive douchebag with anger management issues, who will take it out on his partner. The woman is passive-aggressive and prone to emotional collapse at the slightest difficulty. Both of them will take every opportunity to snipe at other teams, claiming it's because the other teams are their opponents when in fact you begin to suspect pretty quickly that they're like this to everybody.")
Obviously, I am no expert on the Race. I've never run, and it would be foolish to give them racing advice...especially because the episodes don't air live and the outcome is predetermined, even if not known. But I have been in a successful relationship for a long time, so I figure that even if I can't give racing tips, I can give marriage tips.
1. The phrase "You're the albatross around our neck here", while entertaining, does not foster a sense of partnership and trust that is so necessary to a good relationship. Alternatives might include, "Good job, honey, I think you'll get it next time," or "Try a little bit of acceleration into the turn next time." Alternatives probably should not include, "You're killing us," or "Who'd have thought it, I'm better at this than you are."
2. Long drives in unfamiliar territory can be stressful on any couple. Try to avoid blaming each other for wrong turns. Try especially hard to avoid blaming the driver when he asks you point-blank, "Do you want me to turn around?" and you respond with, "No, I just have a feeling that we're going the wrong way."
3. An important part of any relationship is knowing your partner's strengths and weaknesses. It is not, however, wise to announce your partner's weaknesses directly to the camera on national television. (Especially when it's not exactly like you're strong in that area yourself, Max. I don't know that either one of you is going to be winning any likability contests, frankly.)
Those are just a few tips--I look forward to giving more as the Race goes on!
...well, strictly speaking I look forward to giving one more and then watching these two bickering twits get Philiminated, but if not I'm sure they'll at least provide me with a few more cheap jokes.