Dangerous Food Ideas

I'm not much of a cook. I enjoy good food, and I can follow a recipe, but the idea of cooking food to produce a good meal always seems like a very labor-intensive method of getting good food. I tend to prefer some method of getting others to do the preparation, whether with money or through projecting enough of a sense of general food-based haplessness that people take pity on me and offer to cook. (There's probably something wrong with me.)

Between that and the diabetes, there are a number of reasons why I will probably never cook the ideas I sometimes have for desserts. They're sort of the dessert equivalent of Tesla's thought experiments, the ones he wrote up on a notebook towards the end because nobody would trust him with scientific equipment when he explained to people that he was pretty sure he could split the planet in half with it. And yet, I think they could be yummy if properly prepared. To wit...

1) Root beer syrup. Like maple syrup, only instead of maple sap you use root beer to flavor it. The simplest way, of course, would be to take a twelve-pack of root beer and boil off the excess liquid to thicken it, but I suspect some experimentation would be needed to get the proper consistency. But pouring thick, dark root beer syrup onto your pancakes? How could that not be delicious beyond all possible measure? (In theory, of course, any soda flavor could be used once you worked out the basic recipe. But honestly, I don't think the world is ready for Mountain Dew-drenched pancakes and waffles.)

2) Gourmet cereal treats. This one feels like it could be someone's start-up business. Sure, rice krispies are known as the de facto cereal base for one's marshmallow food-based adhesive. But it's always seemed odd to me how few people experiment with the possibilities. Crispix or the Chex family seem like they could have interesting textural effects, due to the way that liquid marshmallow would seep through the holes. The flake series (frosted, corn, et cetera) seem like they would produce a denser, crispier treat. Frosted mini-wheats would perhaps create an almost cake-like texture? And of course, Lucky Charms might do interesting things with their existing marshmallow treats when exposed to liquid marshmallows.

But more than that, I feel like there are whole unexplored vistas in the areas of mixing and topping. Marshmallow treats, as generally done, tend to have rice krispies, marshmallow fluff, an infrequent dash of peanut butter depending on taste, and perhaps chocolate chunks or M&Ms if you want to be "decadent". But that ignores so many possibilities! What about sprinkling in Reese's miniature peanut butter cups? Crushed toffee, or crumbled mint patties? Chocolate chip cookie dough? Heck, if you want to go insanely decadent, miniature Cadbury's creme eggs mixed in with the cereal! (I know that some of you may be forming a theory on how I developed diabetes, but these really are mostly thought experiments. I didn't have an insane sweet tooth even before sugar went off-limits for good.) And then you can top the whole thing off by dipping it in a coating of caramel or chocolate or both.

3) Dessert poutine. Substitute sweet potato fries for the french fries, use deep-fried cream cheese balls dusted in cinnamon instead of the cheese curds, and perhaps a thick cream for the gravy (or caramel sauce, chocolate sauce...really, lots of possibilities here), and you have a dessert that is guaranteed to bust an artery. And taste delicious while it kills you.

4) Thick Mints. Think "Thin Mints", except that instead of a thin crunchy cookie, you have a devil's food cake wafer about the thickness of a double-stuf Oreo. Still minty, still chocolate dipped. Tell me you wouldn't buy it.

Does anyone else out there have diabolical food creations they would never actually make, but can't un-imagine once thought of? Share them in the comments!