Bad Advice

'Bad Advice' is a notionally-syndicated column that dispenses with any worries you might have about the reliability of getting advice from random people who got a newspaper advice column based on dubious credentials instead of going to a professional therapist, doctor or lawyer. 'Bad Advice' is guaranteed to give only useless and inaccurate advice that you can feel free to utterly disregard. 'Bad Advice' makes no warranty as to the efficaciousness of its advice, other than to suggest you not follow it. 'Bad Advice' is written by a guy on the Internet with no credentials whatsoever.

Dear Bad Advice:
I'm a 28-year-old woman with a fantastic job, a wonderful boyfriend and many friends whom I love dearly. I'm the only one without a child.
Maybe I don't understand because I'm not a parent myself, but all my friends can talk about is children. Whereas before, we were interested in each other's lives, I feel like my concerns and accomplishments are being brushed off. An example: I was excited to meet up with a pal to talk about my promotion, but the hour-long dinner was spent mostly teaching her child how to walk between the tables of the restaurant.

I enjoy hearing about my friends and their families, but I feel they are no longer interested in me. Am I expecting too much because we're at different points in our lives, or am I a bad friend? I'm growing resentful, and I don't like it. Any words of wisdom? -- STILL RELEVANT IN MASSACHUSETTS

Dear Relevant,
The key here is to understand that you'll never be able to relate to your friends ever again until you can talk about what it's like to be a mother. Since you're presumably not interested in going off the Pill without telling your boyfriend (although it's not too late!) then the next step is to get inventive. Specifically, the next step is to invent a child. You can find plenty of pics on the Internet (make sure they're all of the same kid, though--that's a rookie mistake) and a book of baby names is less than twenty bucks. That's a lot cheaper than an obstetrician!

Most of the time, that should be enough. Make up a few stories about how precious and adorable your kid is--first word, first steps, gosh-aint-they-cute-at-that-age, you probably know the drill from your friends' stories. Just regurgitate it all back at them; they'll be so thrilled to find out their kid is "normal" they won't even notice that your kid has all the same weird habits theirs does. If they want playdates or some other crazy crap, tell them little Insert Name Here has the flu. Worst case scenario, you can probably rent a homeless kid from a shelter for less than ten bucks an hour if you ask around anonymously.

Dear Bad Advice,
I am 25 years old and have had an obsession with vacuuming for many years. I usually vacuum three times a day, seven days a week.

Whenever I feel stressed or nervous, I start my vacuum. I also feel anxious when I have company and the floors don't have those neat vacuum tracks. I can't stand to have any dirt or mess on the floor. The strange thing is that I am not as meticulous in other areas. It doesn't bother me if my closets or drawers are a mess.

Do you know what could be causing this strange behavior? It is driving my family and me nuts. --Vacuum-Crazed in South Carolina

Dear Vacuum-Crazed,
I think the clear problem is those bastards at Dyson. They're constantly advertising about how good their vacuum cleaners are, and about how important it is to have a vacuum cleaner designed by aliens or whatever the heck it is they keep claiming. Their stupid commercials are on the air twenty-four/seven on every single channel; it's no wonder you're going out of your ever-living mind with paranoia.

The clear answer is to retain a lawyer and sue the Dyson Company for all they're worth. Don't listen to the first guy who tells you that you have no case, or even the second. Keep going until you find some shyster who promises you a seven-figure payout, minimum. Go to every media outlet until you find one willing to print your incoherent screed against Mister Dyson and he's forced to counter-sue you for slander. Become known on the Internet as "Vacuum Woman" and try to get your own reality show. Don't stop until you've made them all pay. Every last one of them.

Dear Bad Advice,
My friend Emily dated Andy a few years ago. They broke up spectacularly. Emily has always said that Andy was the most controlling and insecure boyfriend she has ever had, which always surprised me because that does not come across at all when I interact with him.

Andy and I have gotten close over the years and have recently been on a few dates. Emily has totally moved on and is fine with it, but it really bugs me that I feel like I'm waiting for these negative traits to suddenly appear. Is this something I should talk to him about, or do I just discount Emily's opinion until given a reason to do otherwise? -- D.C.

Dear D.C.,
Dump Andy. Emily sounds like she's got a lot more going on upstairs.

Got a question for 'Bad Advice'? Leave it in the comments, and we'll answer it in a future installment!