Monday, August 03, 2015

The Actual Matrix Prequel

I could swear I posted about this before, but I can't find the post after searching through all my archives, so to heck with it. I'll mention my idea for a 'Matrix' prequel. It'd actually be a science-fiction comedy, about the few, the proud, the brave...the alpha testers for the Matrix.

Because let's face it, you can't build any kind of computer system this complicated from scratch. Sure, Agent Smith mentioned a previous iteration of the Matrix that was too nice and happy, but even that had to be a late-beta build. No, they probably kept most of humanity just drugged to the gills while they frantically designed something that would interface with our brains, and then released a small number of people into it with instructions to test it and see how the physics engine worked.

And the bugs. Oh, man, there would have been so many in the early builds. Can you imagine waking up every morning and getting a daily paper on your doorstep with the latest patch notes?

"Build 0.401203759:

Humans no longer take damage from drinking milk from animals of a different species. All humans have been restored to full health.

Due to conflicts with Build 0.379655422, the genetic matching system was allowing interbreeding of tarantulas with other species. This has been corrected, and the resulting pytharantulas will be removed in tomorrow's patch.

We have corrected the issue where humans who have a heart attack while falling gain an infinite number of lives. This exploit no longer works. Please do not jump from tall buildings with a defibrillator any longer.

Australia has now been added to the map. Visit this amazing new continent filled with exciting new animals for you to collect!

Fixed hole in the world in Nebraska. Humans entering Nebraska should no longer fall out of the bottom of the world.

Improved randomization of weather system. Tornadoes no longer occur at exactly 72-hour intervals. All buildings in the state of Oklahoma have been restored to default settings.

Earthquake frequency has been decreased after complaints from numerous humans that the state of California is uninhabitable.

Lava damage has been increased in order to discourage people from jumping into active volcanoes to remove parasites. Parasite damage has been decreased.

Healing potions are no longer available in the store. In order to get healed, you will need to visit a doctor. This is in preparation for an upcoming patch that will improve the verisimilitude of our biology system.

Universities are now available! This upgrade to the professions system allows you to specialize in a number of advanced skills such as medicine, law, athletics, and liberal arts. (We will continue to work on the 'liberal arts' major in order to make it more useful to players.)

Guns no longer kill people. People kill people. The gun is no longer considered to be a source of the damage. This should prevent an issue that was occurring where the gun was being arrested for the murder.

Cows should no longer be aggressive to humans unless attacked."

(I could probably do this for hours, but I think you get the idea.)

The movie would be about a group of people who are awakened with the offer: They get to spend time in the Matrix, rather than in a drug-induced stupor, but they have to test it and make sure it's functional for humanity. The protagonists find love, enjoy life, deal with crazy bugs in reality, and secretly leave loopholes that can be exploited by future players, which explains how the Resistance can exist in the first place.

I couldn't get it made, of course, but at the very least, I can probably do another post of patch notes someday.

2 comments:

BenTGaidin said...

This is an excellent idea -- I'd watch it!
Also, I'm reminded of Dwarf Fortress patch notes: "Fixed boiling point of fat. Rain in warm climates will no longer kill exposed creatures."

Eric Teall said...

Very funny idea! I LOL'ed.

I really wish I had something cooler to say, but this post brought a smile to my face, and that's about it. Thanks!