Saturday, August 28, 2010

If Cartoon Characters Aged In Real Time...

...Pebbles Flintstone would be almost fifty, now, with two kids (Chip and Roxy) who are almost ready to graduate high school. Fred would presumably be dead, life expectancies not being much in prehistoric times.

...Judy Jetson would be sixty-four (and presumably wondering if her boyfriend will need her, or for that matter even feed her.) This being the future, though, she might retain her youthful looks well into her second century, so that might not be so much of a problem.

...Jonny Quest is a bitter fifty-seven year old, who probably has endless therapy sessions where he talks about his intimacy issues due to his dad's inability to love him. "He thought that just giving me an Indian boy would solve everything. Well, it didn't, Dad!"

...Scooby-Doo is forty-eight (that's 336 in dog years. Actually, I think that's just "dead" in dog years.)

...Hank, the oldest member of the "Dungeons and Dragons" party, would be forty-two and probably well into the Epic Character supplements; while the youngest, Bobby, would be thirty-five and have several NPC henchmen by now.

...the Planeteers are all in their early thirties, and have emigrated to the United States due to political instability in their respective homelands. (Kwame's sick of all the "email spam" jokes. Please stop telling them.) They don't do much forming of Captain Planet these days, but they do make sure to recycle, and Ma-Ti attended a rally at the state capitol a few months ago about "going green".

...and Dexter is now twenty-three. Although he has not yet succeeded in conquering the world, it seems like more than coincidence that he got a job at Google just before they changed their stance on Net Neutrality.

11 comments:

Isaac said...

And how old would Lisa Simpson be?

Nitz the Bloody said...

I think that Lisa studied to be a foreign journalist, went to Iraq in her mid-twenties, then was shot in the head by an insurgent. Trying to change the world is a lot easier when you're an eight-year-old living under your parents' roof. :P

LurkerWithout said...

Jonny Quest is a bitter fifty-seven year old, who probably has endless therapy sessions where he talks about his intimacy issues due to his dad's inability to love him. "He thought that just giving me an Indian boy would solve everything. Well, it didn't, Dad!"

Nah I think version on The Venture Brothers, a bitter kind of crazy man in his late 30s struggling with a heroin addiction nails it well...

Chris said...

I was okay with this until you got to Dexter. 23? Okay, I'm officially older than dirt.

And Lisa Simpson would be 28 or 29, depending on when her birthday is.

John Seavey said...

Lisa would be thirty-one years old, for the record, and presumably is just about now impaling her thirty-three year old brother on her Nobel Peace Prize. (How ironic.)

Chris said...

Ah, right. Her first appearance was in 87, not 89. Of course, that was the Tracey Ullman shorts, which I think took place on Earth 2.

Anonymous said...

@LurkerWithout: Glad I wasn't the only one to think of the Venture Brothers version... I found that hilarious.

Blackbyrd2 said...

Charlie Brown is either 64 or 68, and is serving life in prison for the torture/murder of Lucy. Sally secured a marriage to Linus, who drinks heavily, works in retail, and dreams of suicide.
Snoopy, of course, died in his sleep years ago, dreaming of fighting the Red Baron.

Ogrebear said...

What about Calvin and Hobbes?

Brian Smith said...

Gilligan, the Skipper and all the rest are alive, well and immortal, looking exactly the way they did in the 1960s, after finding a root with incredible health-restorative powers on Gilligan's Planet.

...what?

Anonymous said...

You're talking about the 1990s version of Jonny Quest.

The 1960s version of Jonny Quest had a relationship with his father that was unusually healthy for the time. He is most likely exiled from the United States for refusing to back down from his stances acknowledging global warming, vaccination, and stem cell research while refusing to accept Creationism and whatever else appears in high school science textbooks in Texas and Kansas. Right now, he's probably buddies with Edward Snowden.