Saturday, May 05, 2012

Dangerous Drinking Games: X-Men Edition

While reading Essential X-Men, Volumes 1-10:

Take a sip every time Cyclops thinks or says the phrase, "my uncontrollable optic blasts".

Take a sip every time a character uses a single word or phrase from their native language in a sentence that otherwise contains perfect English, tovarisch.

Do a shot every time the cover contains the phrase, "Welcome to the X-Men", and the phrase "Hope you survive".

Take a sip every ten times Wolverine calls someone "bub". (Hey, it's "dangerous", not "fatal".)

Do a shot every time Kitty Pryde changes codenames.

Take a sip every time Rogue muses on how sad it is that she's unable to touch anyone due to her mutant powers.

Take a sip every time an issue features a cameo appearance by an obscure Marvel character for no reason other than Chris Claremont wrote their now-canceled series and can't let go of said character. (Candidates include Carol Danvers, Jessica Drew, and Misty Knight from Iron Fist. For truly dangerous living, expand it to include villains like Mystique and Deathbird.)

Take a sip every time Psylocke gets lauded or idolized within the text because Chris Claremont clearly had a major crush on a fictional character.

Do a shot every time a major character dies. Do a second shot to commemorate their resurrection.

Finish the bottle when Storm loses her powers forever, irrevocably, never ever to return because Forge is such a brilliant inventor that nobody could possibly undo his work.
Do a shot every time you find yourself thinking that the Marauders are really kind of pathetic, despite Claremont's best efforts to build them up as a threat so major that the X-Men have to fake their deaths to deal with them.

Take a sip every time someone drops a catchphrase into their dialogue that their character would never in a million years use but that Claremont has grown attached to (such as Storm using military jargon that Claremont thinks sounds "cool".)

Take a sip every time a female character gets mind-controlled. Take a second sip if the mind control makes them dress or behave in a much "sexier" manner. (The inventor of the game does not make any kind of warranty against the potential for alcohol poisoning during the course of this game.)

Finish the bottle again when Storm gets her powers back.

Drink when Magneto gets placed in charge of the Xavier School, and don't stop drinking until it makes sense to you or until you pass out. (Note: This is the point in the drinking game where you're probably going to pass out.)


Unknown said...

Oh, I got one; take a shot every time Colossus appears in battle and is the first to get taken out!

Anonymous said...

Totally agree on the mind-control and Claremont's conviction going to the dark side means dressing like you're applying for a job at the leather bar.
Can't object to the cameo appearances though. Team-book writers have been doing this since the 1970s at least:
•Englehart writes The Beast's solo strip and the Avengers, so Beast joins the Avengers.
•Conway's Firestorm gets canceled so he joins the JLA
•Aztek's book gets canceled so he joins Morrison's JLA.
•The Man-Wolf writer (I believe) transfers one of his arch-enemies over to Defenders.
And so on.

Anonymous said...

More generally, I think this is a common problem with reading TPBs (at least for me). Stuff that looks fine on a once a month basis becomes more repetitive in this format. Essential Captain America I, for instance, kept having the Red Skull reveal super-weapons and secret organizations planted in case Germany fell; by the end, I was wondering why Hitler didn't just take all this crap and kick the Allies' butts.
In fairness to the genre, I have the same problem sometimes reading big short story collections or novel series.-Fraser