Thursday, February 09, 2006

Geek Parody Theatre

The following is an actual call from the Onslaught archives.

WOMAN: Hello, Onslaught? I just got into an accident, on--

ONSLAUGHT: I know where you are. I know everything. The powers I stole from Magneto, the puny whelp, have already repaired your pathetic vehicle. But you, I have judged guilty of crimes against mutant-kind. The penalty is death.


The Onslaught system costs you only your free will and eternal allegiance to the unholy combination of Charles Xavier and Magneto. And isn't that a small price to pay for peace of mind? Total peace of mind? Enforced, soul-crushing, will-deadening peace of mind?

ONSLAUGHT: Emergency services are on the line. Hello?

AMBULANCE: Yes, Onslaught?

ONSLAUGHT: We've had an automobile crash on the Santa Monica Freeway. I crashed it, the woman has died.

AMBULANCE: Excellent, my lord.

ONSLAUGHT: There'll be another crash about five miles away in three minutes--I don't like the color of that Lexus. Finish off any survivors, would you?

AMBULANCE: Of course, mighty Onslaught!

The Onslaught system comes installed on all GM vehicles, whether you want it or not, and can't be removed. Press the red button to unleash the might of Onslaught!


Anonymous said...

"It's my job. I meddle where people don't want me to meddle. If you have a problem with that, take it up with my employer."

"Who's your employer?"

"I'm self employed," he replied.

Unknown said...

Your V for Vendetta post brought me quite a laugh.