Sunday, April 19, 2009

Everyday Magical Items

Sure, we all know about your standard rings of protection, swords of slaying, and all the other wonderful and wondrous goodies that can be found in any Dungeons and Dragons campaign. (Some campaigns more than others, of course. When I was a kid, we considered ourselves lucky if we even got +1 chainmail! And we had to walk uphill into and out of the dungeon!)

But really, how useful would those actually be nowadays? How many people really need magical armor and weapons? Let's face it, if we had real wizards these days, they'd be crafting items like you'd see on the list below.

Decanter of Endless Soda: This insulated plastic mug will fill, upon speaking the command word, with forty-eight ounces of any soda the holder wills it. The soda stays cold, and does not go flat no matter how long it is left in the mug.

Ring of Spell Checking: This magical ring tightens (not painfully, but noticeably) around the wearer's finger any time they misspell a word when typing a document. (Leetspeak users may consider this a cursed item.)

Girdle of Metrosexuality: Anyone wearing this girdle, whether male or female, becomes instantly able to pick out stylish, fashionable clothing and decorate their houses or apartments impeccably. They also gain a new appreciation for modern art and the ability to listen to what other people are saying and really understand their feelings.

Amulet of Protection From Flames: All posts, chats, emails, and trolls directed at the wearer of this amulet are instantly lost in dropped connections, forum glitches, and other seemingly coincidental Internet misfortunes. The net effect (no pun intended) is that nobody can ever say anything nasty about you online.

Vorpal Toothbrush: This toothbrush instantly gets rid of all plaque, tartar, bacteria and discoloration with just a single swipe across the teeth. Brushing once a day with the vorpal toothbrush is the equivalent of getting a six-month cleaning from a dentist.

Universal Cleanser: A slightly milder version of the universal solvent, this alchemical mixture just gets rid of dirt, mold, mildew, and stubborn stains. (It is not recommended as a shampoo or body wash, though. You can never tell whether the wizards were paying close attention when they were mixing it up.)


JD Atlanta said...

You forgot the +6 Windows Operating System, which will boot up a standard laptop in less than 20 seconds, regardless of the number of peripheral drivers installed.

Matthew Johnson said...

Keychain of accessibility: the first key drawn from this keychain will always be the needed one

Remote control of reliable entertainment: when used, this remote control causes there to always be something on worth watching

Kyle White said...

Hat Which Clings: as a corollary to only being removable when the wearer wishes, this makes a reliable hand-hold when climbing; with two, anything solid is climbable

Sun-Contacts: all glare is blocked from one's vision, yet things which should be seen well are not dimmed

Hard-drive of Holding: infinite storage capacity for information

Portable Hole: same as usual, only smaller, resulting in pornographic jokes (I am not proud of this one)

The Sci-Fi miniseries The Lost Room was kind of like this.

Anonymous said...

"Ring of Spell Checking: This magical ring tightens (not painfully, but noticeably) around the wearer's finger any time they misspell a word when typing a document."

If this really existed, the Internet would truly be dead because there would only be about three of us left on it (the others would be unable to use their keyboards due to the lack of any fingers remaining on either hand)!

And considering how much bad spelling I have to wade through on the Internet (typos are one thing, but rampant bad spelling . . . ?), can I be forgiven for wanting to play the ring on something other than the finger of the poorer spellers?