Is it wrong that I really hope Tom Hiddleston turns out to be gay or bisexual so that he can be linked with Benedict Cumberbatch romantically (whom I also hope turns out to be gay or bisexual) simply so they can have the "power couple" nickname "Hiddlebatch"?
I would accept, as an alternative, a romantic liason between Tom Hiddleston and Mark Ruffalo, who would of course be "Hiddleuffalo". (I suppose technically they could be "Ruffleston", but I feel like that lacks the quiet dignity of "Hiddleuffalo".)
EDIT TO ADD: I would also be satisfied if Mark and Benedict caught each other on the rebound from that serial cad, Tom Hiddleston, and formed the power couple "Cumberbuffalo".
Showing posts with label entertainment news. Show all posts
Showing posts with label entertainment news. Show all posts
Thursday, June 16, 2016
Thursday, April 23, 2015
It's the Obvious Sequel, In Hindsight
Follow along with me on this:
1) Bilbo, like the elves, "passed into the West" at the end of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. This was during the age of Middle-Earth, implying that it eventually came to be our Earth.
2) Tolkien, as a Briton himself, thought of Middle-Earth as the forebear of Europe. This means that if Bilbo and the elves went west on a great ocean, they eventually came to what would become the continent of North America.
3) His time as a ringbearer, while not good for his soul, did confer upon him extended life. There's no real way of knowing how much extended life would be granted; it's possible that he continued to live for centuries or even millennia.
4) His time as an adventurer granted Bilbo unique skills and talents that could, potentially, be called upon by others in need of a thief.
5) Although he's a skilled thief and an above average combatant for a hobbit his age, Bilbo would need protection if he was going to go on some sort of "mission" for the government.
This leads us to 6) Bilbo Baggins teams up with John McClane to save the United States from the last descendants of the orcs.
Summer 2016: Bruce Willis. Ian Holm. "Old Hobbits Die Hard".
...I'll start running now, shall I?
1) Bilbo, like the elves, "passed into the West" at the end of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. This was during the age of Middle-Earth, implying that it eventually came to be our Earth.
2) Tolkien, as a Briton himself, thought of Middle-Earth as the forebear of Europe. This means that if Bilbo and the elves went west on a great ocean, they eventually came to what would become the continent of North America.
3) His time as a ringbearer, while not good for his soul, did confer upon him extended life. There's no real way of knowing how much extended life would be granted; it's possible that he continued to live for centuries or even millennia.
4) His time as an adventurer granted Bilbo unique skills and talents that could, potentially, be called upon by others in need of a thief.
5) Although he's a skilled thief and an above average combatant for a hobbit his age, Bilbo would need protection if he was going to go on some sort of "mission" for the government.
This leads us to 6) Bilbo Baggins teams up with John McClane to save the United States from the last descendants of the orcs.
Summer 2016: Bruce Willis. Ian Holm. "Old Hobbits Die Hard".
...I'll start running now, shall I?
Sunday, February 03, 2013
Top 5 Things I'm Looking Forward To in the Worlds of Warcraft Movie
1. The preview screenings, which last fifteen minutes before the projector crashing. Everyone is asked to try watching from the beginning again to see if they can replicate the problem.
2. The first screening, which is filled with epic battles, fantastic special effects, and a whole bunch of jerks shouting spoilers for the ending in the lower-left corner of the screen.
3. The spectacular ending, in which the heroes take on the evil Naxxaramas...and all wipe within the first minute. Then, in voice-over, the leader of the group explains to everyone that there's going to be new footage next weekend, in which they gear up by running some dungeons and getting some potions, and tighten up their tactics for the next run.
4. The disastrous piracy problem due to Blizzard's trumpeting of the ease and smoothness of their bit-torrented download system.
5. The DVD, in which the heroes win only to find out that the level cap has gone up, their gear that they worked months to get is now obsolete, and they have to pay fifty bucks to fight the next villain.
2. The first screening, which is filled with epic battles, fantastic special effects, and a whole bunch of jerks shouting spoilers for the ending in the lower-left corner of the screen.
3. The spectacular ending, in which the heroes take on the evil Naxxaramas...and all wipe within the first minute. Then, in voice-over, the leader of the group explains to everyone that there's going to be new footage next weekend, in which they gear up by running some dungeons and getting some potions, and tighten up their tactics for the next run.
4. The disastrous piracy problem due to Blizzard's trumpeting of the ease and smoothness of their bit-torrented download system.
5. The DVD, in which the heroes win only to find out that the level cap has gone up, their gear that they worked months to get is now obsolete, and they have to pay fifty bucks to fight the next villain.
Thursday, August 02, 2012
Coming Soon
[SCREEN FADES IN ON A PICTURE OF FOREST--SOMEWHERE IN VIRGINIA, OR PERHAPS WEST VIRGINIA. NEAR SUNSET, WITH SOFT, GOLDEN LIGHTING. QUIET, INSPIRATIONAL STRING MUSIC PLAYS.]
NARRATOR (ADULT MAN, WITH MELLOW SOUTHERN ACCENT--SOMEONE LIKE MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY, OR MAYBE WOODY HARRELSON. OR CHANNING TATUM, HE'S BIG RIGHT NOW, ISN'T HE? OR IS HE NOT SOUTHERN? MAYBE WE'RE THINKING OF SOMEONE ELSE. ANYWAY...): It wasn't easy, growing up near the mines...
[CUT TO A SCENE OF A YOUNGISH MAN OUTSIDE A RAMSHACKLE HOME, WEARING A SUIT AND GLASSES--CLEARLY AN INTELLECTUAL. HE'S TALKING TO A TWELVE-YEAR OLD BOY WHO LOOKS RAGGEDY, BUT ADORABLE.]
MAN: Where's your father, son?
BOY: Don't have no pa, sir.
MAN (LOOKING SOLEMN): Then where's your mother?
BOY (LOOKING VAGUELY ASHAMED): Workin'.
[CUT TO THE FOREST. MORE OF THE REALLY PRETTY GOLDEN LIGHT.]
NARRATOR: Felt like sometimes, I didn't have a friend in the world.
[THE BOY RUNS THROUGH THE FOREST, LEAPING OVER STUMPS AND ROCKS. HIS FACE IS FILLED WITH A FURY HE CANNOT EXPRESS SAVE THROUGH MOTION. SUDDENLY, HE TRIPS OVER A ROCK AND SPILLS HEADLONG, FALLING DOWN A SLOPE TO COME UP RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE END OF A HOLLOW, ROTTED LOG. HIS EYES WIDEN IN FEAR AS HE SEES WHAT'S INSIDE.]
NARRATOR: But that was before I met Little Bub.
[A BABY WOLVERINE CRAWLS OUT OF THE HOLLOW LOG, NUZZLING AGAINST THE BOY AS IF TO SAY, "FEED ME?"]
CAPTION: In a town without hope...
[THE BOY RUNNING AGAIN, ONLY THIS TIME WITH THE WOLVERINE AT HIS SIDE. IT'S NOTICEABLY LARGER, AND THE BOY LOOKS TO HAVE A WILD GRIN ON HIS FACE.]
CAPTION: Sometimes love...is where you make it.
[CUT TO THE MAN, TALKING TO A WOMAN WHO LOOKS WEARY AND CYNICAL, YET STILL HOT. CAN WE MAYBE GET SCARLETT JOHANSSONN, PUT HER IN A GRANDMA DRESS?]
MAN: I am just trying to help you.
WOMAN (OBVIOUSLY THE BOY'S MOTHER): Well, you can't. This isn't a place where things like that happen, so don't come asking! Because I don't!
[CUT TO THE BOY, BEING PUSHED AROUND BY BULLIES. SUDDENLY, THE WOLVERINE BITES ONE OF THEM COMICALLY ON THE BUTT.]
BULLY: YeeeeeOWWWW!
[CUT TO THE MOM, CLEARLY TERRIFIED AND FURIOUS.]
MOM: You stay away from that wolverine, you hear me, boy?!
BOY: But he's my only friend!
[CUT TO THE BOY RUNNING AGAIN, THIS TIME IN THE FOREST IN THE NIGHTTIME. HE'S NERVOUS NOW, BUT THE WOLVERINE IS RUNNING ALONGSIDE HIM.]
NARRATOR: I guess you could say I became a man, that summer.
[CUT TO BOY, KISSING A GIRL FOR THE FIRST TIME. THE WOLVERINE IS PLAYING AT THEIR FEET.]
NARRATOR: The summer I found...
TITLE CARD: THE WOLVERINE.
CAPTION: When you can't believe in anyone else...believe in your heart.
........admit it. This is what you all think of when you hear that title, isn't it?
NARRATOR (ADULT MAN, WITH MELLOW SOUTHERN ACCENT--SOMEONE LIKE MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY, OR MAYBE WOODY HARRELSON. OR CHANNING TATUM, HE'S BIG RIGHT NOW, ISN'T HE? OR IS HE NOT SOUTHERN? MAYBE WE'RE THINKING OF SOMEONE ELSE. ANYWAY...): It wasn't easy, growing up near the mines...
[CUT TO A SCENE OF A YOUNGISH MAN OUTSIDE A RAMSHACKLE HOME, WEARING A SUIT AND GLASSES--CLEARLY AN INTELLECTUAL. HE'S TALKING TO A TWELVE-YEAR OLD BOY WHO LOOKS RAGGEDY, BUT ADORABLE.]
MAN: Where's your father, son?
BOY: Don't have no pa, sir.
MAN (LOOKING SOLEMN): Then where's your mother?
BOY (LOOKING VAGUELY ASHAMED): Workin'.
[CUT TO THE FOREST. MORE OF THE REALLY PRETTY GOLDEN LIGHT.]
NARRATOR: Felt like sometimes, I didn't have a friend in the world.
[THE BOY RUNS THROUGH THE FOREST, LEAPING OVER STUMPS AND ROCKS. HIS FACE IS FILLED WITH A FURY HE CANNOT EXPRESS SAVE THROUGH MOTION. SUDDENLY, HE TRIPS OVER A ROCK AND SPILLS HEADLONG, FALLING DOWN A SLOPE TO COME UP RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE END OF A HOLLOW, ROTTED LOG. HIS EYES WIDEN IN FEAR AS HE SEES WHAT'S INSIDE.]
NARRATOR: But that was before I met Little Bub.
[A BABY WOLVERINE CRAWLS OUT OF THE HOLLOW LOG, NUZZLING AGAINST THE BOY AS IF TO SAY, "FEED ME?"]
CAPTION: In a town without hope...
[THE BOY RUNNING AGAIN, ONLY THIS TIME WITH THE WOLVERINE AT HIS SIDE. IT'S NOTICEABLY LARGER, AND THE BOY LOOKS TO HAVE A WILD GRIN ON HIS FACE.]
CAPTION: Sometimes love...is where you make it.
[CUT TO THE MAN, TALKING TO A WOMAN WHO LOOKS WEARY AND CYNICAL, YET STILL HOT. CAN WE MAYBE GET SCARLETT JOHANSSONN, PUT HER IN A GRANDMA DRESS?]
MAN: I am just trying to help you.
WOMAN (OBVIOUSLY THE BOY'S MOTHER): Well, you can't. This isn't a place where things like that happen, so don't come asking! Because I don't!
[CUT TO THE BOY, BEING PUSHED AROUND BY BULLIES. SUDDENLY, THE WOLVERINE BITES ONE OF THEM COMICALLY ON THE BUTT.]
BULLY: YeeeeeOWWWW!
[CUT TO THE MOM, CLEARLY TERRIFIED AND FURIOUS.]
MOM: You stay away from that wolverine, you hear me, boy?!
BOY: But he's my only friend!
[CUT TO THE BOY RUNNING AGAIN, THIS TIME IN THE FOREST IN THE NIGHTTIME. HE'S NERVOUS NOW, BUT THE WOLVERINE IS RUNNING ALONGSIDE HIM.]
NARRATOR: I guess you could say I became a man, that summer.
[CUT TO BOY, KISSING A GIRL FOR THE FIRST TIME. THE WOLVERINE IS PLAYING AT THEIR FEET.]
NARRATOR: The summer I found...
TITLE CARD: THE WOLVERINE.
CAPTION: When you can't believe in anyone else...believe in your heart.
........admit it. This is what you all think of when you hear that title, isn't it?
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Exciting Pixar News!
Of course, we've all heard the announcement of Monsters University, the next movie after Cars 2 and Brave and the first Pixar prequel. But what you may not have heard is that this is just the first of an entire new slate of films exploring the beginnings of Pixar's beloved characters! Brad Bird and John Lasseter are already thrilled about the idea of getting at the roots of what made Pixar's protagonists tick. Some of the slated films include:
Losing Coral: A shocking and gruesome tale of terror and revenge, Losing Coral focuses on the night when clownfish Coral runs afoul of a brutal, sadistic barracuda named "Heartless" (voiced by Christopher Walken.) The taut, suspenseful thriller follows the deadly game of cat-and-mouse Heartless plays with Coral, a game that ends in tragedy when Heartless murders her and devours her eggs. The film then follows Marlin as, pushed over the edge by the death of his mate, he hunts down and kills Heartless by luring him into a nematocyst. About to commit suicide, Marlin discovers that one egg has survived...an egg he decides to call Nemo.
Cars 0: Carmageddon: When the first machines develop sentience, humanity is initially thrilled by the development of a machine culture. After all, we built them--surely they'll be grateful to their creators? But instead, the human race finds itself locked in a deadly battle with the vehicles they designed, and only one race can survive. In the end, the machines exterminate the people, leaving nothing but the trace remnants of our culture to survive in the entertainments the new mechanical race devises for itself.
The All-Too Credibles: Thrill as Bob puts on a few extra pounds and loses job after job! Gasp as Helen slowly gives up on her own ambitions to become a stay-at-home mom! And be astounded by Violet's unhappy school years as she slowly learns to keep her head down and not make waves because girls don't get called on anyway! It's an exciting descent into vague dissatisfaction for the whole family!
WALL-Lander: As it becomes apparent that humanity will not return, and the trash removal robots slowly begin to break down, each one realizes that the only path to survival is to cannibalize its brethren for parts. A vicious war begins, as each robot seeks to disable its fellows so that it can keep itself alive that much longer. In the end, there can be only one...
...this isn't doing anything to disprove my belief that I'm never going to be working for Pixar, is it?
Losing Coral: A shocking and gruesome tale of terror and revenge, Losing Coral focuses on the night when clownfish Coral runs afoul of a brutal, sadistic barracuda named "Heartless" (voiced by Christopher Walken.) The taut, suspenseful thriller follows the deadly game of cat-and-mouse Heartless plays with Coral, a game that ends in tragedy when Heartless murders her and devours her eggs. The film then follows Marlin as, pushed over the edge by the death of his mate, he hunts down and kills Heartless by luring him into a nematocyst. About to commit suicide, Marlin discovers that one egg has survived...an egg he decides to call Nemo.
Cars 0: Carmageddon: When the first machines develop sentience, humanity is initially thrilled by the development of a machine culture. After all, we built them--surely they'll be grateful to their creators? But instead, the human race finds itself locked in a deadly battle with the vehicles they designed, and only one race can survive. In the end, the machines exterminate the people, leaving nothing but the trace remnants of our culture to survive in the entertainments the new mechanical race devises for itself.
The All-Too Credibles: Thrill as Bob puts on a few extra pounds and loses job after job! Gasp as Helen slowly gives up on her own ambitions to become a stay-at-home mom! And be astounded by Violet's unhappy school years as she slowly learns to keep her head down and not make waves because girls don't get called on anyway! It's an exciting descent into vague dissatisfaction for the whole family!
WALL-Lander: As it becomes apparent that humanity will not return, and the trash removal robots slowly begin to break down, each one realizes that the only path to survival is to cannibalize its brethren for parts. A vicious war begins, as each robot seeks to disable its fellows so that it can keep itself alive that much longer. In the end, there can be only one...
...this isn't doing anything to disprove my belief that I'm never going to be working for Pixar, is it?
Monday, August 23, 2010
Conspiracy Theory? Sure, Why Not!
The new Spider-Man film has begun casting, with Andrew Garfield as Spider-Man (presumably a Spider-Man who hates Mondays and loves to eat his own weight in lasagna. It's a daring choice.) They're also working on casting his love interest, an as-yet-unnamed character (or, at least, one whose name they're not putting on the scripts that are circulating through Hollywood) who apparently is definitely probably not Mary Jane Watson.
Since I'm bored, I'm going to go ahead and circulate a half-baked conspiracy theory that I may or may not believe. Remember how "One More Day" happened, and went over like a lead balloon stuffed with dwarf star material because contrary to editor-in-chief Joe Quesada's expectations, nobody really was pining for a Spider-Man comic that looked just like the ones that came out when he was a kid in 1970? And how to the average Spider-Man fan, Mary Jane was and pretty much always had been Spidey's "true love", because we didn't even start reading comics until almost after they were married? And how the casual fan had barely even heard of Gwen Stacy, because all the film adaptations, cartoon versions, and even most of the non-616 versions of Spider-Man had Peter dating MJ?
So now they're rebooting the movies with a new, MJ-free version. The "Spider-Man Loves Mary Jane" comic got canceled a while back, despite great reviews and steady trade paperback sales. Ultimate Spider-Man is living with Gwen Stacy. There hasn't been a cartoon Spidey in a little while, but the last one had a far more prominent role for Gwen and emphasized MJ's desire to stay single. (Yes, I know, they're returning to the original series' roots. That is rather my point, though.) All in all, it seems like there's a concerted branding effort to take MJ out of the picture in order to bring the alternate media versions of Spider-Man in line with the "Amazing" version, complete with what seems like a plan to push Gwen Stacy to the forefront.
Does this mean that Joe Quesada is abusing his lofty position within Marvel's hallowed halls in order to make all comics just like they were when he was a kid? (If so, he could probably take some lessons from Geoff Johns. **rimshot**) I doubt it, really. It seems like a lot of work for such a petty agenda. But if the new movie girlfriend for Spidey is named "Gwen Stacy", well...all I'm saying is, don't be surprised if there's a "shocking resurrection" a few years down the line in the main Spidey book.
Since I'm bored, I'm going to go ahead and circulate a half-baked conspiracy theory that I may or may not believe. Remember how "One More Day" happened, and went over like a lead balloon stuffed with dwarf star material because contrary to editor-in-chief Joe Quesada's expectations, nobody really was pining for a Spider-Man comic that looked just like the ones that came out when he was a kid in 1970? And how to the average Spider-Man fan, Mary Jane was and pretty much always had been Spidey's "true love", because we didn't even start reading comics until almost after they were married? And how the casual fan had barely even heard of Gwen Stacy, because all the film adaptations, cartoon versions, and even most of the non-616 versions of Spider-Man had Peter dating MJ?
So now they're rebooting the movies with a new, MJ-free version. The "Spider-Man Loves Mary Jane" comic got canceled a while back, despite great reviews and steady trade paperback sales. Ultimate Spider-Man is living with Gwen Stacy. There hasn't been a cartoon Spidey in a little while, but the last one had a far more prominent role for Gwen and emphasized MJ's desire to stay single. (Yes, I know, they're returning to the original series' roots. That is rather my point, though.) All in all, it seems like there's a concerted branding effort to take MJ out of the picture in order to bring the alternate media versions of Spider-Man in line with the "Amazing" version, complete with what seems like a plan to push Gwen Stacy to the forefront.
Does this mean that Joe Quesada is abusing his lofty position within Marvel's hallowed halls in order to make all comics just like they were when he was a kid? (If so, he could probably take some lessons from Geoff Johns. **rimshot**) I doubt it, really. It seems like a lot of work for such a petty agenda. But if the new movie girlfriend for Spidey is named "Gwen Stacy", well...all I'm saying is, don't be surprised if there's a "shocking resurrection" a few years down the line in the main Spidey book.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
New On DVD
Apparently "Furry Vengeance" came out on DVD and Blu-Ray yesterday. Good for them. They get so much flack on the Internet, I think it's only fair that they should get their own back somewhere along the line. Brendan Fraser's in it--I'm guessing he's playing someone from 4chan, or Something Awful, perhaps?
In any event, it's probably fun for the entire family, or at least those parts of the family that aren't offended by people who like sex with heavily anthropomorphized animals. I probably won't see it myself, but anyone who's into that, have fun!
In any event, it's probably fun for the entire family, or at least those parts of the family that aren't offended by people who like sex with heavily anthropomorphized animals. I probably won't see it myself, but anyone who's into that, have fun!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Breathless Anticipation
For those of you who are interested, rumor has it (spoilers for the upcoming season of Doctor Who, but ones that have already been reported extensively elsewhere) that the Silurians are going to be returning. (Yes, I know. It's not even "rumor" anymore, the BBC has confirmed it. Hush.) Having just watched "Warriors of the Deep", I'm absolutely thrilled to see these classic Doctor Who monsters return, and I'm certainly wondering if the new series will keep all the best elements of these classic monsters. To wit:
- Will we see a return of the Sea Devils, and will they continue their proud warrior tradition of discussing all military matters using only ventriloquism?
- Will the Myrka be back, and will it still be willing to use its stubby little arms for kung fu?
- Will the Silurians keep their adorable sweater vests, or will they return to the nudist ways of the Third Doctor era?
- Will the Silurians still blink their third eye rapidly in time with their conversation?
- Do the Silurians still have that perky smile, even when things are at their worst? (The Myrka also seems to have a bit of a jaunty grin, too. I hope they'll retain that.)
- Will the Myrka have liposuction, or do Real Myrkas Have Curves?
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Emergency Snark!
Apparently, Warner Brothers released "300: The Complete Experience" on Blu-Ray DVD yesterday.
Presumably, when you open the package, you're immediately murdered by Persian hordes.
Presumably, when you open the package, you're immediately murdered by Persian hordes.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Entertainment News #3
BILLY JOEL ARRESTED FOR ARSON
POP STAR OFFERS CONFUSED, INCOHERENT DENIAL
Singer and songwriter Billy Joel was arrested today on suspicion of arson, after being found near the scene of a three-alarm fire by police officer Sergeant Thomas O'Leary. O'Leary was off-duty at the time, heading to a second job as a bartender at "Mister Cacciatore's", a popular local establishment, but nonetheless made the arrest.
Police claim that when questioned about the incident, Joel offered a confused and incoherent "alibi" that amounted to little more than a string of names of people and places, many of whom were deceased at the time of the fire and a few of which were fictional. The four and a half minute long statement seemed to imply, at points, that he was with "Davy Crockett, Peter Pan, (and) Elvis Presley" at "Disneyland", but contradicted itself with his later claim that he was with "(Menachim) Begin (and Ronald) Reagan" in "Palestine."
One thing that Joel maintained steadfastly throughout the stream-of-consciousness statement was his innocence of the crime that police accused him of. Frequently and repeatedly, he insisted that "we didn't start the fire, it was always burning since the world's been turning" (police are now searching for co-conspirators based on Joel's unintentional use of the word "we".) He further claimed to be trying to fight the blaze when police found him.
Ironically, while attempting to clear his name of arson charges, Joel seemed to confess to a crime he almost certainly didn't commit--at one point, he cocked his thumb and forefinger into a gun and said, simply, "JFK, blown away--what else do I have to say?" Police point out that the singer would have been fourteen at the time of the Kennedy assassinations, and would have had no way to get from New York City to Dallas for the shooting.
At this point, the next stage in the legal process remains unclear. Joel has been released on bail, but his press conference consisted solely of him insisting again and again, frequently in a high-pitched voice, that he was "an innocent man." His lawyers have not declared yet whether they intend to use an insanity defense, even though Joel has stated publicly on his leaving the courtroom that "you may be right, I may be crazy, but I just may be the lunatic you're looking for" (an incriminating statement that may make it difficult to find an unbiased jury.)
One thing is certain; if convicted, the legal system has made it clear that they intend to seek the maximum sentence for his crimes. It seems that the New York City penal system intends, if possible, to hold him for the longest time.
POP STAR OFFERS CONFUSED, INCOHERENT DENIAL
Singer and songwriter Billy Joel was arrested today on suspicion of arson, after being found near the scene of a three-alarm fire by police officer Sergeant Thomas O'Leary. O'Leary was off-duty at the time, heading to a second job as a bartender at "Mister Cacciatore's", a popular local establishment, but nonetheless made the arrest.
Police claim that when questioned about the incident, Joel offered a confused and incoherent "alibi" that amounted to little more than a string of names of people and places, many of whom were deceased at the time of the fire and a few of which were fictional. The four and a half minute long statement seemed to imply, at points, that he was with "Davy Crockett, Peter Pan, (and) Elvis Presley" at "Disneyland", but contradicted itself with his later claim that he was with "(Menachim) Begin (and Ronald) Reagan" in "Palestine."
One thing that Joel maintained steadfastly throughout the stream-of-consciousness statement was his innocence of the crime that police accused him of. Frequently and repeatedly, he insisted that "we didn't start the fire, it was always burning since the world's been turning" (police are now searching for co-conspirators based on Joel's unintentional use of the word "we".) He further claimed to be trying to fight the blaze when police found him.
Ironically, while attempting to clear his name of arson charges, Joel seemed to confess to a crime he almost certainly didn't commit--at one point, he cocked his thumb and forefinger into a gun and said, simply, "JFK, blown away--what else do I have to say?" Police point out that the singer would have been fourteen at the time of the Kennedy assassinations, and would have had no way to get from New York City to Dallas for the shooting.
At this point, the next stage in the legal process remains unclear. Joel has been released on bail, but his press conference consisted solely of him insisting again and again, frequently in a high-pitched voice, that he was "an innocent man." His lawyers have not declared yet whether they intend to use an insanity defense, even though Joel has stated publicly on his leaving the courtroom that "you may be right, I may be crazy, but I just may be the lunatic you're looking for" (an incriminating statement that may make it difficult to find an unbiased jury.)
One thing is certain; if convicted, the legal system has made it clear that they intend to seek the maximum sentence for his crimes. It seems that the New York City penal system intends, if possible, to hold him for the longest time.
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Breaking Scandal!
JAMES BLOODHOUND INDICTED ON FIVE COUNTS OF CHILD LABOR VIOLATIONS
(Associated Press) The Bloodhound Detective Agency has been a well-known staple of the private investigations field over the years, with its catchy slogans and friendly staff. But recently, it's seemed that even if you did in fact have the crime, owner James Bloodhound didn't have the time. The owner and chief investigator for the agency had been noted for his almost perpetual absence in recent months, apparently leaving his cases to a number of youths who frequented the offices.
But it didn't take a detective to find the detective; James Bloodhound was found by a process server in the Eagle's Eye Tavern, a local haunt, at 3:42 PM yesterday. According to witnesses, he was drunk and belligerent, threatening the server with bodily harm when he was presented with a writ to cease operations pending an investigation by the Department of Labor. Police arrived on the scene soon after, and Mr. Bloodhound was taken into custody. Bob Smith, owner of the Eagle's Eye, claimed that Mr. Bloodhound came in every day when the bar opened, and frequently would not leave until closing. "I always wondered where he got his money from," Smith said. "I never dreamed he had some kids solving mysteries for him."
But it turns out that this appears to be exactly the case. Callers to the Bloodhound Detective Agency were greeted with a cheery "Bloodhound Detective Agency, Mr. Bloodhound isn't here," time and time again, and instead of Mr. Bloodhound himself, they found a gang of teenagers solving their crimes. Although the teens had a strong success record, they received no compensation for their efforts, renumeration instead going back to the agency.
"We just do it for the thrill of solving mysteries," said 'Skip', one of the three youths who form the unofficial 'Bloodhound Gang'. "We never thought about getting money, I mean....I..." At this point, 'Skip' broke down into tears. "Please don't tell Mr. Bloodhound I talked to you. He'll hit me again. I...I don't even know what happened to Zach and Cuff!"
At press time, the future of the Bloodhound Detective Agency remains uncertain. The 'Bloodhound Gang' claims to be looking into opening a partnership with Billy Jo Jive, super-crime-fighting ace, but he denies all reports of this, claiming to already be quite happy with his current partner, Smart Susie Sunset. One thing is certain, Mr. Bloodhound is most definitely in trouble, and nobody knows just who will be there on the double.
(Associated Press) The Bloodhound Detective Agency has been a well-known staple of the private investigations field over the years, with its catchy slogans and friendly staff. But recently, it's seemed that even if you did in fact have the crime, owner James Bloodhound didn't have the time. The owner and chief investigator for the agency had been noted for his almost perpetual absence in recent months, apparently leaving his cases to a number of youths who frequented the offices.
But it didn't take a detective to find the detective; James Bloodhound was found by a process server in the Eagle's Eye Tavern, a local haunt, at 3:42 PM yesterday. According to witnesses, he was drunk and belligerent, threatening the server with bodily harm when he was presented with a writ to cease operations pending an investigation by the Department of Labor. Police arrived on the scene soon after, and Mr. Bloodhound was taken into custody. Bob Smith, owner of the Eagle's Eye, claimed that Mr. Bloodhound came in every day when the bar opened, and frequently would not leave until closing. "I always wondered where he got his money from," Smith said. "I never dreamed he had some kids solving mysteries for him."
But it turns out that this appears to be exactly the case. Callers to the Bloodhound Detective Agency were greeted with a cheery "Bloodhound Detective Agency, Mr. Bloodhound isn't here," time and time again, and instead of Mr. Bloodhound himself, they found a gang of teenagers solving their crimes. Although the teens had a strong success record, they received no compensation for their efforts, renumeration instead going back to the agency.
"We just do it for the thrill of solving mysteries," said 'Skip', one of the three youths who form the unofficial 'Bloodhound Gang'. "We never thought about getting money, I mean....I..." At this point, 'Skip' broke down into tears. "Please don't tell Mr. Bloodhound I talked to you. He'll hit me again. I...I don't even know what happened to Zach and Cuff!"
At press time, the future of the Bloodhound Detective Agency remains uncertain. The 'Bloodhound Gang' claims to be looking into opening a partnership with Billy Jo Jive, super-crime-fighting ace, but he denies all reports of this, claiming to already be quite happy with his current partner, Smart Susie Sunset. One thing is certain, Mr. Bloodhound is most definitely in trouble, and nobody knows just who will be there on the double.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Entertainment News #2
DRAGONCON 2008 TO HOST INAUGURAL DEBATE BETWEEN FANS OF HEATH LEDGER AND JACK NICHOLSON
In an announcement today that sharply divided the six Batman fans on the Internet not already sharply divided about one thing or another, the venerable DragonCon, held yearly in Atlanta, GA, had its bid accepted to host the first official debate between angry Batman fans over who's the better Joker, Heath Ledger or Jack Nicholson. Both Ledger and Nicholson will attend in person to hear people talk angrily about their lack of acting talent, disrespect for the comic book character, and hatred for the fans who've given so much to the franchise over the years.
Many fans are already up in arms about the announcement. Some feel that the timing will make it difficult. "DragonCon occurs over Labor Day weekend," longtime Batman fan Jake Keigel said. "The movie opens July 18th. By the time I get into my first argument over how bad Ledger's performance is, I'll actually be basing it on one, perhaps even several viewings of the movie instead of merely watching the teaser trailer and picturing that guy from 'Brokeback Mountain' playing my favorite villain. How am I supposed to have an uninformed opinion with that kind of lead time?"
Still others are concerned with DragonCon's ability to host such a debate. "When the Olympics were held in Atlanta," says Janine 'Batgirl' Lee, "they had to make all sorts of upgrades to the city's infrastructure in order to accomodate the increased traffic and the venues for the games. And yet, DragonCon has shown no signs of finding places to put all of the venom, bile, and sheer unmitigated gall that this discussion is going to generate. By the third day of the con, people are just going to be wading through knee-deep BS, mark my words."
A spokesperson for DragonCon has pointed out that their facilities for dealing with knee-deep BS have already been tested and shown to be at "Dan DiDio capacity".
Still other fans have concerns somewhat more difficult to articulate. "WTF THIS IS SOOOO LAME," says 'Batdude69'. "DC SUX THEY HAV NO IDEA WHAT MAKES JOKR COOL. DRAGONCON IS A BUNCH OF GAYWADS WHO WILL PROBLY SCREW UP TEH ARGUMENT." Harsh, incoherent words, but the sentiment is clear.
Still, whatever the end result, DragonCon's angry bickering session promises to be only the first of many. Perhaps we will all look back fondly on this as the beginning of a long, irritating and pointless argument, much as we fondly remember the first "Kirk vs. Picard" debate, held in 1986 at GenCon. However, it's unlikely. Because Mark Hamill is way better than either one of those two jerks.
In an announcement today that sharply divided the six Batman fans on the Internet not already sharply divided about one thing or another, the venerable DragonCon, held yearly in Atlanta, GA, had its bid accepted to host the first official debate between angry Batman fans over who's the better Joker, Heath Ledger or Jack Nicholson. Both Ledger and Nicholson will attend in person to hear people talk angrily about their lack of acting talent, disrespect for the comic book character, and hatred for the fans who've given so much to the franchise over the years.
Many fans are already up in arms about the announcement. Some feel that the timing will make it difficult. "DragonCon occurs over Labor Day weekend," longtime Batman fan Jake Keigel said. "The movie opens July 18th. By the time I get into my first argument over how bad Ledger's performance is, I'll actually be basing it on one, perhaps even several viewings of the movie instead of merely watching the teaser trailer and picturing that guy from 'Brokeback Mountain' playing my favorite villain. How am I supposed to have an uninformed opinion with that kind of lead time?"
Still others are concerned with DragonCon's ability to host such a debate. "When the Olympics were held in Atlanta," says Janine 'Batgirl' Lee, "they had to make all sorts of upgrades to the city's infrastructure in order to accomodate the increased traffic and the venues for the games. And yet, DragonCon has shown no signs of finding places to put all of the venom, bile, and sheer unmitigated gall that this discussion is going to generate. By the third day of the con, people are just going to be wading through knee-deep BS, mark my words."
A spokesperson for DragonCon has pointed out that their facilities for dealing with knee-deep BS have already been tested and shown to be at "Dan DiDio capacity".
Still other fans have concerns somewhat more difficult to articulate. "WTF THIS IS SOOOO LAME," says 'Batdude69'. "DC SUX THEY HAV NO IDEA WHAT MAKES JOKR COOL. DRAGONCON IS A BUNCH OF GAYWADS WHO WILL PROBLY SCREW UP TEH ARGUMENT." Harsh, incoherent words, but the sentiment is clear.
Still, whatever the end result, DragonCon's angry bickering session promises to be only the first of many. Perhaps we will all look back fondly on this as the beginning of a long, irritating and pointless argument, much as we fondly remember the first "Kirk vs. Picard" debate, held in 1986 at GenCon. However, it's unlikely. Because Mark Hamill is way better than either one of those two jerks.
Friday, November 24, 2006
Entertainment News #1
CONFUSED 'DOCTOR WHO' FANS CONTINUE TO DEBUNK RUMOURS OF NEW SERIES
The Internet was rocked today by yet another series of articles appearing at a variety of 'Doctor Who' fansites attempting to debunk the "spurious rumours" of a new television series of 'Doctor Who'. The series, which originally ran from 1963 to 1989, generated hundreds of hoaxes, imitations, fan productions, and ill-fated attempts to revive the series during its fifteen years off the air, a saga which has apparently left some fans so jumpy they continue to write off the existence of the new series as "wishful thinking".
Bryce Harlington, President of the "Campaign For House Calls", says he is "saddened" by the rumours. "As a savvy fan, I've learned to disbelieve the more outrageous claims I've heard about Doctor Who's return to our screen. Claims of big movie stars like John Cleese or Christopher Eccleston attaching their names to the project are clear signs of either a 'whoax' or a delusional fan who just misses the series too much to give it up. And of course, the companion rumours are always about the latest piece of eye candy. Every single one of the Spice Girls, for example, had their turn at the rumour mill, just because they were good-looking young pop stars. I hardly think that a producer would leap at that chance."
When confronted with numerous pieces of evidence of the existence of the new series, Harlington became defensive. "A 'Radio Times' cover for the final episode of series two? Oh, yes, and I see they're claiming it's just as exciting as the World Cup match. And the description of the plot? Purest fan-fiction of the lowest grade."
And yet, Harlington remains optimistic. "I do think that the BBC will someday see the deep and abiding affection that fans retain for the series, even now. They have to, because it won't go away. Why, just the other day, I found some bootleg fan productions online. They look just as good as some professional TV science-fiction series out there, and they're all done by Doctor Who fans with credits in the industry--Russell T Davies, Mark Gatiss, even Steven Moffat took some time out from his professional TV work to do a couple of episodes, and they're every bit as good as anything Big Finish ever made."
When it was pointed out that Moffat won a Hugo Award for his work on the new series, Harlington responded, "Oh, sure. And I suppose it swept the National Television Awards two years running."
The Internet was rocked today by yet another series of articles appearing at a variety of 'Doctor Who' fansites attempting to debunk the "spurious rumours" of a new television series of 'Doctor Who'. The series, which originally ran from 1963 to 1989, generated hundreds of hoaxes, imitations, fan productions, and ill-fated attempts to revive the series during its fifteen years off the air, a saga which has apparently left some fans so jumpy they continue to write off the existence of the new series as "wishful thinking".
Bryce Harlington, President of the "Campaign For House Calls", says he is "saddened" by the rumours. "As a savvy fan, I've learned to disbelieve the more outrageous claims I've heard about Doctor Who's return to our screen. Claims of big movie stars like John Cleese or Christopher Eccleston attaching their names to the project are clear signs of either a 'whoax' or a delusional fan who just misses the series too much to give it up. And of course, the companion rumours are always about the latest piece of eye candy. Every single one of the Spice Girls, for example, had their turn at the rumour mill, just because they were good-looking young pop stars. I hardly think that a producer would leap at that chance."
When confronted with numerous pieces of evidence of the existence of the new series, Harlington became defensive. "A 'Radio Times' cover for the final episode of series two? Oh, yes, and I see they're claiming it's just as exciting as the World Cup match. And the description of the plot? Purest fan-fiction of the lowest grade."
And yet, Harlington remains optimistic. "I do think that the BBC will someday see the deep and abiding affection that fans retain for the series, even now. They have to, because it won't go away. Why, just the other day, I found some bootleg fan productions online. They look just as good as some professional TV science-fiction series out there, and they're all done by Doctor Who fans with credits in the industry--Russell T Davies, Mark Gatiss, even Steven Moffat took some time out from his professional TV work to do a couple of episodes, and they're every bit as good as anything Big Finish ever made."
When it was pointed out that Moffat won a Hugo Award for his work on the new series, Harlington responded, "Oh, sure. And I suppose it swept the National Television Awards two years running."
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