From the Yelp Reviews of the Hotel California

Power seemed to be out when we checked in. Staff was helpful, though, providing a bellhop to guide us by candlelight to rooms. Other guests were noisy and disruptive, and walls were thin causing us to hear their voices all the way down the corridor. 2/5, would not stay again.

Wine selection highly limited, and appears not to have been restocked in the last forty-five years. Loud and obnoxious guests kept us up all night singing, management was unresponsive to concerns. Outdoor dancercise program was a nice touch, though. 1/5

Restaurant service terrible. "Farm to table" generally does not mean that they bring a live animal into the room and stab it repeatedly in front of you. Animal was not killed humanely, and staff appeared to be unable to end its suffering. 0/5, very disturbing, especially to the children in our party.

Staff extremely rude. Night desk clerk attempted to detain us for unexplained reasons despite the fact that we had already settled our bill and checked out. On the other hand, the "Anytime Check-Out" system was convenient and easy to use. 1/5, do not recommend.

My Tiny Contribution to the 'Under the Dome' TV Series

I don't know about anyone else, but I'm really looking forward to the 'Under the Dome' series. I thought it was a great book, and my one complaint about it was that clearly at some point Stephen King thought to himself, "I could literally be stuck writing this book for the rest of my life if I don't find some way to wrap everything up," and so he takes out all the plotlines in one big boom. Which is a good way of doing it, if you have to end your story, but I think it could go for a long time on television just watching everything unfold. The talent behind it sounds good, the cast so far looks good...there's just one thing they need. A theme song.

So...

BARBIE: Julia, listen to me. The outside world, it's a mess. Life under the dome is better than anything they got up there!

The meth labs are always greener
With someone to buy that crank
You dream about going out there
But that is a big mistake
Just look at the world around you
Right here stuck inside this dome
Such wonderful things surround you
This place is your only home!

Under the dome
Under the dome
All the pollution
Needs no solution
Why would you roam?
Out in the world they tried and tried
But they can't find a way inside
Our hope is wanin'
Hoardin' propanin'
Under the dome

In here all the gals are happy
Except Big Jim's son's girlfriends
Those gals, they ain't quite so happy
They met some unpleasant ends
But Junior still loves to see them
At night when it's gettin' late
And after eleven P.M.
The corpses will be his date

Under the dome
Under the dome
Nobody save us
Big Jim enslave us
Just watch, you'll see
He and his cronies run this town
Under the dome we stick around
We got no choice now
We got no voice now
Under the dome
Under the dome
Since we can't leave here
We got to be here
Naturally
Even the kiddies know the score
Prophetic dreams will tell them more
Aliens did it
Leaving? Forget it!
Under the dome

The cop's for the chop
The plane's split in twain
The air's barely there
We're goin' insane
There's dread in our head
The priest was a beast
But Jim's at the brim of Hell
(Yeah)
The stiffs die in shifts
Till death's out of breath
The gas took a pass
To make crystal meth
Sanders and the chef
The only ones lef'
While Barbie's in his cell

Under the dome
Under the dome
Trapped like sardines
Send in the marines
This crisis hits home!
All of those soldiers right outside
Will we get help from them? DENIED!
Soldiers get framed here
Barbie gets blamed here
Under the dome
We gonna croak here
Choke on the smoke here
Under the dome
Dreams all forebode here
Meth labs explode here
It's getting hotter
There's no fresh water
We gonna die here
Kiss butts g'bye here
Under the dome

It's Stockholm Syndrome, But It's a Better Rhyme Scheme

My friends have all heard this ad nauseum, but...every time I hear the song 'Stacy's Mom', or even every time it gets stuck in my head like the earworm it is, I get frustrated anew. Because "Mom" does not rhyme with "on". They have different consonant sounds. For that matter, "wrong" does not rhyme with "Mom" either. Every time I hear the song, it grates on my inner ear like biting down on tinfoil. As such, I have decided to correct the lyrics of the song. It may be a somewhat different story, but at least the rhymes work.


Stacy's mom has tied me to a bomb
Stacy's mom has tied me to a bomb
Stacy's mom has tied me to a bomb
Stacy's mom has tied me to a bomb

Stacy knows I came over after school? (after school)
Just to hang around by the pool (hang by the pool)
But her mom got back from her 'business trip'? (business trip)
She had plans to set a bomb off, give the cops the slip? (give 'em the slip)

I freaked a bit at first but then it kind of grew on me
Dying's kind of hot, baby can't you see

Stacy's mom has tied me to a bomb
But I don't mind, I feel a certain calm
Stacy, can't you see you're just not the girl for me
She's tied me to a bomb but I'm in love with Stacy's mom

Stacy's mom has tied me to a bomb
Stacy's mom has tied me to a bomb

Stacy, do you remember when I mowed your lawn? (mowed your lawn)
Your mom came out with just a towel on (towel on)
I could tell she liked me from the way she stared (the way she stared)
And the way she chloroformed me over there (drugged me over there)

And I know that you think she wants to murder me
But since your dad walked out, your mom could use a guy like me

Stacy's mom has tied me to a bomb
But I don't mind, I feel a certain calm
Stacy, can't you see you're just not the girl for me
She's tied me to a bomb but I'm in love with Stacy's mom

Stacy's mom has tied me to a bomb
But I don't mind, I feel a certain calm
Stacy, can't you see you're just not the girl for me
She's tied me to a bomb but I'm in love with Stacy's mom
(She tied me to a bomb)
I'm in love with (Stacy's mom oh oh)
(Stacys mom oh oh)
I'm in love with Stacy's mom

Half-Hearted Song Parodies Still Count, Right?

I'll probably come back to this at some point to do the other verses, but I'm concerned that if I don't post the beginning now while I can still remember it, I'll forget that part too. So...

Way out in outer space, so far away from here,
On a far-off distant planet past the Sense-O-Sphere,
In a tiny little igloo made of ice and wood,
There lived an alien name of Johnny B Ood,
And he never ever learned to read and write so well,
But his telepathy song was just as clear as a bell.

Go go! Go, Johnny go! Go! Go...Johnny B Ood!

So Very Sorry...

I am so deeply ashamed of myself for inflicting this on you, but ever since finding out that the last David Tennant Doctor Who special would be called 'The End of Time', I just cannot stop imagining what Meatloaf's reaction would be (assuming he was a Doctor Who fan, which I can totally see, honestly...) And I think I just have to blog it.

I think he might say...or actually, sing...

So now I'm praying for 'The End of Time'
To hurry up and arrive
'Cause if I gotta wait another minute for Who
I don't think that I can really survive
I'm praying for 'The End of Time'
That's all that I can do
Praying for 'The End of Time'
The end of Tennant's time on Who!

To the Tune Of... (again)

I'm so very, very sorry for what I'm about to do to your brain...

He was a boy
She was a girl
Can I make it any more obvious?
He, a Jedi
She was a queen
What more can I say?
He wanted her
She'd never tell secretly she wanted him as well
But all of his friends
Stuck up their nose
He couldn't have sex 'cause of Jedi oathes

He was a V8der boi
She said see you l8er boi
He was just far too young for words
She had a pretty face
When he met her out in space
He used that "angel" line on her

Five years from now
She sits at home
Having his baby
She's all alone
Obi-Wan stops by
Guess what she sees
V8der boi messin' up Jedi kids
She calls up her friends
They already know
And they started
Rebelling long ago
She tags along
Has kids and dies
Thinking of the man that choked her throat

He was a V8der boi
She said see you l8er boi
He was just too creepy for her
Now he runs the Death Star
He has a cool facial scar
Does your pretty face see what he's worth?

He was a V8der boi
She said see you l8er boi
He was just too creepy for her
Now he runs the Death Star
He has a cool facial scar
Does your pretty face see what he's worth?

Sorry girl but you missed out
Tough luck that boy's mine now
We are more than just good friends
This is how the story ends
Too bad that you couldn't see
See the Sith that boy could be
There is more than meets the eye
I see the evil that's inside

He's just a boy
And I'm Emperor
Can I make it any more obvious?
We are in love
Haven't you heard
How we rock each other's world?

I'm with the V8der boi
I said see you l8er boi
I'll meet you here after you go
And kill all the young Jedi
You'll love watching them all die
Like Sandpeople you used to know

I'm with the V8der boi
I said see you l8er boi
I'll meet you here after you go
And kill all the young Jedi
You'll love watching them all die
Like Sandpeople you used to know

To the Tune Of...

Ahem-hem...

Scratched by thorns of roses or by claws of kittens
Smacked by large men wearing thick lead-lined mittens
Beaten with mallets and dropped out of planes
These are a few of my favorite pains!

Kicked by large ponies and burned by hot streudel
Rapped with a large brass bell right in the noodle
Hit by two fast-spinning steel weathervanes
These are a few of my favorite pains!

Girls choking my throat with their blue satin sashes
Fires that burn off my nose and eyelashes
Needles injecting things into my veins
These are a few of my favorite pains!

When the dog bites
When the bee stings
It makes me feel glad
I simply remember my favorite pains
And why I love feeling bad!

[Repeat all verses until you pass out from the pain]