Friday, August 26, 2005

An Interview With Dave Good

Fraggmented is proud to present an interview with Dave Good, the so-called "Fifth Horseman" of the Apocalypse.

F: Dave, good to talk with you.

D: Thanks, man. It's good to be here.

F: So let's start with the basics. Everyone's heard of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, they who will ride at the End of Days bringing with them diverse evils to mankind. You were, in fact, one of these Horsemen?

D: Yeah. Of course, that was back before they struck it big. We used to play small villages, just Death, Pestilence, Famine, and myself. And I tell you, we really killed. I mean, we knocked 'em dead.

F: This would be millennia ago, during the pre-civilized days of the human race?

D: Yeah. I know, I'm an old fogey, right? Anyhow, we were starting to get into the big time, as humanity moved from small agrarian settlements to towns and cities, and the group came to me, and said, "We have to talk." That's when I knew it was over.

F: You were being replaced.

D: They'd been talking, and they felt--and I still can't say I blame them--that they needed someone who was another anthropomorphic personification, rather than a bloke who was reasonably good on horseback. I still remember Death saying, "It just doesn't sound right. Pestilence, Famine, Death, and Dave?"

F: They have a point.

D: Oh, I know. And I don't blame them for it, although War was a bit of a smug git when he took the job. Really pissed me off at the time, but I suppose that was kind of the point, wasn't it? Anyhow, not long after that St. John wrote the Book of Revelations, and they've never looked back. I wish them all the best.

F: So you have no regrets?

D: No, no. I've kept busy, had my own little groups now and again; I played with the Six Deadly Sins, while Lust was off on her solo tour, I did a tour with See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil. I've had a good life. And to be honest, fame's not all it's cracked up to be. You've heard about Pestilence, right?

F: Heard what, exactly?

D: Drug problem. I thought everyone knew, it's been around for almost a century now. Started with penicillin, then got onto the hard stuff--now it's antibiotics and antiseptics everywhere you look. Still, I think he's starting to get over it. And Death, War, and Famine have never been hard up for gigs. Hey--War hasn't even had to leave home. He just stays at the Tigris and Euphrates, and new wars come to him like clockwork.

F: So what are your plans for the future?

D: Not sure. I should probably die, at some point. I know Death's been reluctant to bring it up, since we are old friends, but I'm definitely past my prime. But I'll take life as it comes, and so will he.

F: Thank you very much for your time.

D: No problem.

(War, Famine, Pestilence and Death refused to comment on this interview.)

1 comment:

John Seavey said...

I should comment on my own post that it shamelessly steals a line from Terry Pratchett (the "taking life as it comes" bit) but it fit so well I couldn't resist. Suffice to say, I acknowledge my debt to Pratchett both in that one line and stylistically everywhere.